"My Past sins are finally catching up with me! The cries of my aborted babies haunt me every night!"

It's no easy task wiping uncontrollable tears off your cheeks especially when you really feel like letting it all out. As the tears drop,my heart beats haphazardly. Memories of yesteryears creep in,stealthily robbing me of peace.
 I close my eyes and hear babies wail..and from within me! This experience started a fortnight ago. But before I go into all that details,i would like to tell you a bit about me. Perhaps you'll get to understand why I did the things I did. Hate me,pity me,honestly I'm past caring.
 My name is Folasade Peters. Born 35 years ago into a middle class family,my parents Mr and Mrs Ogunsola Peters were staunch Christians who brought me up with iron hands. They constantly threw at me,'Spoil the rod and spoil the child!' even when I did nothing wrong -or rather thought I did nothing wrong -the 'rod' always landed on my backside hard and furious!
By the time I turned 19 I was still a virgin. Not because I feared to lose my maidenhead as my other mates had once hinted that it hurt like hell..but because my parents warned that if I had a boyfriend they would literally skin me alive. I knew they meant every word and so I kept away from boys even though I had the normal adolescent urge to experiment and exploit my feminine sexuality. When I turned 20 I met a young boy about my age named Dotun. I think I fell in love with him. I threw caution to the winds and had sex with him. It was a mind blowing experience for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it..and we started to do it every day!
 The ensuing month I missed my period. I was confused,angry,sad,miserable and hopeless. I feared my mum would soon find out. I confided in Hannah my secondary school mate who had shared her sexual experiences with me. You see,she was very worldly,and clever. Quickly she took me to her doctor who performed the abortion. Afterwards I vowed never to have sex again and by goodness,i meant every word of it.
 But that was not to be as it eventually turned out. Dotun wouldn't take that 'crap' from me. Yeah,he called it 'crap'. He accused me of cheating on him. I reiterated my stand but he got furious and
forcefully had his way with me. Sadly,i got pregnant again.
Well,I already knew my way to the doctor's. I had another abortion and this time the pain was more excruciating and I wouldn't stop bleeding for several weeks.
   Before I reached 20 ,I had three abortions -two from Dotun and one from my Mathematics teacher who lured me into his room in the staff quarters. Gabriel was more mature and skilled in the art of lovemaking and in no time I couldn't stay a day without sneaking into his room to have rounds and more rounds of steaming hot sex with him. I discovered I was pregnant again to my chagrin. Hurriedly I rushed to Gabriel's place to break the news to him and got the shock of my life. I learnt Gaby (as I used to call him) had been transfered to an unknown school out of town. I felt used and miserable. I remember using swear words at that point and even when many years rolled by and I thought of him,i still swore it would never be well with him!
 Well,I gained entry into the university of Lagos to study Mechanical Engineering. I stayed off men and concentrated totally on my studies. My female friends taunted I was a 'mugu' but I cared less. I had had my share of heartbreak and was determined to live a celibate life till I was ready to get married. In my third year I met Nnamdi who proved he wasn't like the others. He didn't demand for sex,in fact at some point when the urge to belong to him carnally arose,he gently soothed my raving nerves and assured me that it wasn't yet time. "After we get married,we wouldn't be having sex but making love all the way,my darling.I'm not in a hurry. The best things in life are worth waiting for."
 I pause to wipe my tears now. It still hurts to realise Nnamdi left me without saying goodbye. He got involved in a fatal accident on his way back from the xmas holiday in his home town. He never made it
back alive. My world suddenly looked bleak. I lost a rare gem.
  A few years later I was done with my university study and went for my NYSC programme  in Benin city. There I met a very rich man by the name Chief Bamidele. He was by nature a very kind hearted man, spoiling me silly with gifts and attention. Yeah,he was married with two wives. It was fine by me for I didn't need love anymore. Love had dealt me a heavy blow in the past. Now It was a time to 'chop' and live 'large'. Indeed I began to live large in the city of Benin and soon became the envy of my colleagues.
  In the beginning we only had sex using  protectives. You see, I didn't want to get pregnant again. Chief obliged me and everything was moving so smoothly until somehow he began to get restless and said he wanted to 'feel your body'..
We did it without a condom.
And we continued to do it without one.
I got pregnant again and to my utmost surprise Chief wanted me to keep it. "I love you." he said to me,going down on his knees. "I'll make you my third and last wife..please don't abort my baby."
If only he knew I could never marry him,not even for millions of dollars! Though I liked him a lot but marriage was completely out of it. Even my parents would disown me!
 I terminated the pregnancy without blinking an eyelid. It came as as a rude shock when chief learnt that.
   Then he terminated our relationship too.
        His angry words still echo in my head. "You are very heartless! A time will come when you shall desperately need a child but all you shall ever hear is the cry of my unborn child that you so cold bloodedly murdered !" he stormed out of my house and never returned. All my efforts to reach him proved abortive. After a while I forgot about him and moved on.
 After my NYSC programme I left Benin and got a job in Delta State in a reputable construction company. At thirty one I was very comfortable and rich but had no marriage suitor. However I wasn't in the least perturbed,there was time for everything I reasoned. But as the years followed I was beginning to get anxious.
 Fortunately,i met Israel who was an invited guest at one of the company's end of year parties. Immediately we hit it off. He was just all I needed in a Man -tall,light skinned,humorous and very caring. Four months into the relationship he proposed. Excitedly I accepted and we got married on my 32nd birthday.
I became pregnant barely a month after our wedding and you can imagine the joy we both felt,especially my husband being an only child. His parents literally jumped with excitement. Everyone was elated.
  Sadly we lost the baby. It just happened -no cramps,no nothing. I was rushed to the hospital and admitted for two days. According to the doctor I had lost a lot of blood and needed to be under close observation. My hubby comforted and assured me that we would make more babies. Truly,i took in three months later.
 We lost it again.
And so it continued. I began to lose every pregnancy until we sought help from a renowned gynaecologist in Benin city. Surprisingly he confirmed us fit and healthy and advised me to relax more during the first few months of conception. This I gladly did soon as I missed my period sometime later. All to no avail! I lost the pregnancy yet again.
 I've lost more than ten pregnancies since I got married to Israel and my marriage is on the verge of collapsing. Like this isn't enough anguish already,i've started to hear cries of babies all around me! I lay on my bed and cannot sleep a wink,the little cries keep me wide-eyed and frustrated. Small,tiny screeches of wailing babies all around me -left,right and centre! I'm gradually losing my mind. Each day is a living misery.
 The tears flow in torrents now,my mind travelling back to the time I aborted my babies with no sense of remorse. Israel I can see is beginning to get fed up with me. He finds faults with every little thing I do and snaps angrily. God help me if he still wants in.
I'm using this medium to advise ladies out there who abort their babies,or plan to abort : DONT!!!!
There's no justification whatsoever to terminate a human's life whether it's a few weeks foetus or not.
I'm learning the hard way,the very hard way indeed.
My babies...my unborn babies...i'm....sorry! (tears) I wish I never did all those things I did.. With all my heart I seek your forgiveness. Just give me this one last chance to prove I can be a good and responsible Mother.
 The grief is heavy but i'm hopeful.
It is well.


*Deeeeeeeep sigh. Words fail me at the moment. I'm sure I would come come up with the appropriate advise to render soon. But before then....please just chip in a word of advise for our sis here. Thanks y'all.
Meme.